There are all kinds of silly internet challenges that happen seemingly every week. From the Tide Pod Challenge to the Mannequin Challenge, there are countless ways to numb your brain and have absolutely nothing tangible or important as a result from it once complete; assuming of course you don’t kill yourself doing it.
But here is a challenge for you to sink your teeth into: what do you want said at your funeral from various people in your life. Breaking it down into five segments, think deep and decide what you would like said about you from:
1. Your parents / family
2. Your spouse / significant other
3. Your child
4. A co-worker
5. A friend
With all that seems to be happening in the world, now might be a good time to assess things, especially your life and what you’re doing to help improve all mankind. I’ve heard it in numerous songs, lectures and bar conversations over the years, but the basic philosophy of leaving this earth in better shape than it was when I joined it has always made sense to me, and something that I’m trying to make happen.
I think now is a good time for all of us to find some extra inspiration. You never know where inspiration will hit you, and for me that was certainly the case with this challenge. For me, it was the typical Monday morning meeting. Luckily for me I don’t work for a typical company, so even the Monday meeting is intentional in its goal to help all in attendance be better managers, better leaders and better people.
My work and the company I work for challenge me. That isn’t unique, as I can say that all of my past career positions have had their challenges. The difference is that along with challenging me professionally, I’m also being encouraged by my company to grow and to get better personally. That’s where my inspiration came from today.
To be clear, this is not a reaction to the crazy things happening in the world. In fact, my exposure to this video clip happened weeks before the world was suddenly on lockdown, getting an overdose of all things Covid-19 and all the socio-economic impact that it has caused and will cause in everyone’s life. Quite the opposite in that for me this has been source of comfort in the midst of chaos as I search for comfort and deeper meaning in life right now.
So before I work through the list of funeral messages, here is some background on challenge. The inspiration for this exercise came from Andy Stanley, a speaker at the Leadercast meeting in 2018. Stanley was preaching, he happens to be a minister, about the importance of leading yourself well. https://youtu.be/7XqxdsCQh7Q. His speech was titled “Leading Yourself Well”. He talk walked you through what he considered to be the three basics of self-leadership statements.
1. I will not lie to myself, even when the truth makes me feel bad about myself.
How’s that for a statement when you look in the mirror? We lie to ourselves everyday, probably several times a day. When we start to peel away those lies and look into who we really are, we have to admit to ourselves that we are responsible for every decision we make in our lives. Of course, we gladly accept that when it comes to the good ones. But as you look in the mirror and review your life, you have to take responsibility for the bad ones too. I have participated in every bad decision I have ever made. And let me tell you, I’ve made some big ones!
2. I will prioritize what I value most over what I want now.
We say we value family and friends most, but so often our actions fail to align with that proclamation. I’m as guilty as anyone with this, and something that I am trying to change in my life right now. Stanley shared another phrase with this point that I’ve repeated to myself dozens of times already as I’m faced with temptation; for food, to make a purchase and more in my life.
“What you want now is rarely what you value most.”
I want a pizza. Now. But I value financial security and would like to be healthier. Financially, I don’t need to get food from a restaurant while I have a kitchen full of items that I can eat. Heck I could probably whip up a pizza with the ingredients that I have already purchased. Spending additional money to get pizza from a restaurant isn’t in alignment with what I value most. I value financial security. I also am trying value a healthier lifestyle. I’m much better off eating a salad or some lean meat instead of the carb filled, cheese filled and greasy pizza. But damn I want a pizza right now.
Slowly, I am trying to change the way my brain thinks to remember the long term goal vs. the immediate, impulse decision. Far from 100% successful, I’m trying to pause and have a discussion with myself and I encourage you to consider doing the same. When you are faced with a decision, from making a buying decision to a meal choice or anything in between, ask yourself: is this what I value most, or what I want right now? The more often you decide based on what you value instead of the impulsive of what you want immediately, the more rewarding your life will be.
And there will still be time for pizza.
3. I will not attempt to lead myself by myself.
Straightforward statement I realize, but wasn’t his topic “Self Leadership”? Yes it was, but in reality you cannot go it alone. Humans were not meant to be alone. There was a recent study done that showed a direct correlation between happiness and living longer and not feeling alone.
Everyone should have a mentor that you can reach out to for advice, guidance and reassurance. Everyone should have a peer group that they can also share ideas with and grow professionally. And I’m a strong believer in everyone having a work friend that you can call and vent to, talk with without judgement and confide in. My ‘work-wife’ is several miles away, in a different industry but totally gets me and my personality. We speak nearly every work day to catch up on life, vent, ask questions and be that support that we both need for each other. You cannot lead yourself by yourself.
To be the ideal person we want to be is a lofty goal, and frankly one that will never been perfectly obtained. Even the best of us will still have moments that show off the worst of us. I think the objective is to realize this desire more clearly, and to minimize those moments that show off our ugly side.
We all have different sides of our personality, pending on the aspect of our life we are focused on at any given moment. And that is where the funeral challenge provides the opportunity to help us improve ourselves in all aspects of our life. By shining a light on what for many people would say are the five biggest segments of their life, we can start aspiring to be the person we value most for each of those segments.
This is not what I expect to be said at my funeral. Unfortunately I have way too much work ahead of me to expect these words utter about me at this point. Rather, it is what I aspire that people might say in hopefully many, MANY years from now at my funeral, if I’ve lived the life I’ve wanted to lead.
Your parents / family
Both of my parents have passed along with one of my three siblings. My hope is that they would tell those gathered that I displayed my value of family boldly. Being with family, talking with them and sharing all of my emotions was a natural thing for me. I displayed my love for family by being there for them when they needed help, needed someone to talk with, laugh with, share a beer with or just watch a sunset. And when there was discord within the family, unfortunately it hasn’t all been smooth, I was smart enough to rethink my position and find the common ground to bring family back together.
Your spouse / significant other
Even though this is the second segment of the challenge, it is the last one I’m writing because it is by far the most difficult for me to think about and write. I only wish the rest of the world was as lucky as I am to have found as perfect of a life partner as I have been blessed with. I only wish I was as half as good of a partner for her as she has been for me.
We’ve been married 30+ years, and dated an additional 7 years beyond that. While I maybe didn’t get to experience much of the wonderful world of dating as others, it was an easy trade off for me. With her by my side, we have experienced more than anyone could have imagined in their wildest dreams, with hopefully much more still ahead of us. Not all the experiences were champagne, caviar, million dollar sunsets and happiness. But one of the lessons I’ve learned in life is that the bumps along the way help us to appreciate the good times in life that much more.
My spouse understands me like no other person on this earth. Much like the symbolism that I’ve seen at countless weddings including my own throughout the years, two separate candles are used to light the unity candle to create one candle that burns bright for both our lives. Since these words would be spoke at my funeral, I would want her to feel and express more joy than sadness. We have been blessed beyond what we could have ever expected. And while part of that candle’s flame is gone, the candle keeps burning. The two of us have become one, and the memories and joy from our life together still survives.
If you follow me on Facebook, you have no doubt seen us check in at various events, concerts, sporting events and vacations over the years. This has been very intentional; not to brag or show off but to provide a tangible memory of the blessings we’ve experienced in life. It started as a way to remind our son of the great things he’s been able to be a part of, because with his disabilities often times his brain will trick him into only remembering the negative things. We have been intentional in creating positive memories that will live on and all of us can reflect on in the years to come. As a family, we have been intentional in making memories. These memories, and my wife specifically has brought so much joy to my life. I hope that is the case for my wife as well, and that will be the focus of her words at my funeral.
Your child
Like the segment on what would be said by my spouse, coming up with the words I’d like to hear spoke at my funeral from my son is very difficult for me. It is very hard to even think about this, let alone come up with something meaningful. For me as I was growing up, having a family and being a father was not a goal or even in my plans. Yes it would happen, but I didn’t think much about it, let alone believe it would have such an impact on my being. Like so many things in my younger days, I was wrong.
We adopted our son when he was two days old. I was 30 years old at the time and it seemed like everything I had wanted in life was laying out just like I had planned. My life was filled with good fortune and happiness. I didn’t realize how much was missing in my life by not having a kid. That instantly changed, and made me a much better person as a result.
At the time we didn’t realize that we were adopting a special needs child. Because of his needs and our resources, I do believe we were positioned to take care of him in ways that made us destined for us to be in each other’s lives. Many times over the years friends have commented to me or my wife about how fortunate our son is that we came along and adopted him. And while that is true to some extent, he has helped me infinitely more than I have ever helped him. I am a better person, have more patience, am more giving and feel complete for having him in my life.
I hope my son realizes this. He is very aware of his disabilities and at times the impact they have made on our family. For all the negative impact that they have made, I would say without hesitation that the total measure of them is minimal compared with the positives of having him in our lives. For the past nearly 23 years, having him in my life has shaped me and prepared me to be a better person and how to face difficulty. And along the way, I hope that he would say that I have prepared him.
Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the future to face difficult situations. For most parents that means preparing their child to be an adult and potentially having kids of their own. For the parent of a special needs child, it means preparing them for life without you. Of all the segments here, this is the one that I have the most work to do in the days ahead of me.
A co-worker
I worked for a lady that later in our careers I ended up managing her had never heard the term “Servant Leader” before I introduced it to her. Granted she was from a different generation and era, but even late in her career she refused to adapted. Reviewing her approach as I matured as a manager, I learned two big lessons that I hope my co-workers would mention at my funeral. I would like that they would say that I was a true servant leader with them, and that when needed I adapted to how life and business changes and evolves.
I’ve been a manager for the past 20+ years, working with a wide variety of personalities. To be the effective co-worker and manager that I want to be, I’ve had to adapt. Basic rules for being a manager do not change from person to person, but how you communicate and work with those people is very different. It is different with a man vs. a woman as well as by generations. The goal is the same - to make sure they feel appreciated, valued and a integral part of the team being built. I hope my co-workers will say they appreciated my approach and how I made them feel valued, their opinions heard and that I helped them to be the best person they could be at work. And hopefully some of that spilled over and I helped them be the best version of themselves that they could be away from work too.
All of that is accomplished by being a good servant leader. My co-workers would hopefully say that I put the needs of my employees first and helped develop them so they would be successful working with me and anywhere their career took them. As a manager, I only bring value to the organization I work for if I’m creating value in the lives of staff.
After being a sales manager for several years, I was promoted to run an entire business unit. It was my first newspaper where I was the publisher, making all of the decisions. My boss greeted me on one of my first days on the new job and declared, “Congratulations on the new job. You are now officially overhead.” Prior to that I produced things with my job; sales, content, etc. But as he reminded me, I had no direct output whatsoever. From that day forward, I have tried to make a priority of bringing value to my team in a meaningful way that I hope they would mention when speaking of me.
A friend
Probably I first saw it on a greeting card or a social media post, but I do recall the saying that friends are the family you get to pick. Your family is your family, and for the most part you don’t get much say in the membership. But friends are a collection of special people you earn over a lifetime. I have a great collection of friends from over the years. My collection of friends runs a very broad spectrum of personalities, all of which fit nicely together to create my personal network. Some I talk with nearly every day, while others only a hand full of times a year. But they are all special to me, and I would hope that I’ve done a good enough job that they would say I was special to them too. Good friends come across a wide spectrum of personalities, and that allows me to share a wide spectrum of experiences with them. A few tears, and a bunch of laughter are the gifts we give our friends. I have shared those gifts freely with friends, and have been blessed to receive them in return.
It is hard to say one definitive statement that I’d want to hear from a friend. But my hope is one person would say that the next time they have a certain problem that they needed help with, they’re going to have to find someone else since I’m not around. As much as I have been given because of my friends, the biggest pleasure has come from my ability to help them out and try to improve the world around me. Much like some of my friends and mentors have helped me achieve whatever I have been able to accomplish, I want to help fill that role in my friend’s life too. Bringing the poem and recent Country Music hit by Tim McGraw to life is a great achievement for an individual with regards to his relationship with his friends:
When you get where you're goin'
Don't forget turn back around
Help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind
My aspiration today is that when friends are at my funeral, they say that I embraced those few lines and helped to make a difference in their lives.
So there you have it. The funeral challenge and how we can and should be working every day to improve our lives and the lives of those around us. If you have taken this to heart in any way, I would love to hear about it. If you’ve taken the challenge, even if only in your mind that is great. Let me know. And if you’ve taken the intention approach of writing them down, please let me know if you like. I would love to hear about what you aspire to be.
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